so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
