I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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