gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
