Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
