her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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