I smell stomach acid.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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