when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Randomize
