Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
