def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize