I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
