Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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