It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
We are two peas in an std pod
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
