You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
