New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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