he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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