Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I could fuck to npr.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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