I didn't shave. On purpose
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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