Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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