Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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