I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
