be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
