obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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