You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
