Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
