I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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