Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
