you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
