I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
