She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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