This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
