somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
last night I used snow as a chaser
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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