I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
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