FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
