I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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