It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize