I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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