I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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