She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I will pee on everything he values.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
