Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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