I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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