if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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