Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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