You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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