now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
