1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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