So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
