Dude my mom stole all your condoms
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
