I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
