she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
