I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
