I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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