I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
