mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
