The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
