matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
only if we run a train.
done.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
