YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
accomplished twins. life is a go
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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