man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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