I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We talked him into tasing himself.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
