Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You ate ashes out of my bong
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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