What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
